a new beginning.

oh btw, a break up is not alws about the presence of a THIRD party.

cos in our situation, there is no THIRD party.not on my part at least.

so yup.and if i seemed cold and emotionless.

i guess im a very good actress.

bout e blog im keeping it.bout e passwords ive changed them.

u cried.but u have no ideas how much ive shed mine.


i had a wonderful weekend with friends.

i learnt how to appreciate them cos it seems they were alws there no matter what i went thru.

in silence they were there.

this time i will take charge of my life.

for what its worth.

i should start thinking bout myself.

i am thankful for what has been given to me.

my patience is running thin.

i wanna be happy.

our old class photo back in STC (2002) stolen form aestee's blog of course..

another stolen pic..raye in 2004..i still look e same la....hahha...

i miss my b...i really hope be strong...if u think NTUC is better..den do it...i hope better opportunities will be opened to u dear.... :) no matter wat..im still here..with u... through it all...

loves.

missing u.

loves.

be strong ya.i hope u like ur new place.

i'll try to help u out as much as possible.

:)

oh..i still miss u.

love,angel.


yup.im feeling green.

envy.

jealousy.

i thought maybe i will not feel such emotions.

ok.fine.im always envious of someone else cos it alws seemedthat the grass is greener on the other side.see green again.

but jealousy?

everything she says that may be associated with another girl, woman, lady or even a makcik triggers me into a fit of spasms of jealousy...im like so touchy la..so easily affected...and for the first time..nothing to do with that time of the month.

so y am i like dis now.i am selfish.is dat the reason...i feel that another better person could just replace me at the snap of her fingers.im feeling kinda lost.i noe im the gf but yet...do u think she loves me as much i as i do??

y am i so afraid of losing her?y am i getting nitemares of her leaving me?

Y DO I GET SO JEALOUS SO EASILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry guys..this feeling has been bugging me so much..jealousy is such a horrble feeling u noe...it makes u so flustered and make ur imagination run wild...so wild that its so difficult even to differentiate between reality and the nonsense amidst it....

haiz....

i miss u,la...if can..i want to be with u like all the time...
though i noe its not possible...

love,angel





dat time of the month.again.i reallie dun like it. wat to do.""kau dah pompuan"


haha.

e medical check up with the doc yest got some mixed results.


bad stomach lining.no smoking.no spicy food.get your sleep.reduce your tension.if u want a normal stomach again.

haiz.yes, im sighing.


not gonna be long at KW.thats definite.


trg yest showed how bad my defence is.and how im dependant on my link a.k.a Vie.we make good partners on the field.the arguments. well.i hope coyotes will settle everything amicably. we're runing out of time girls.


now all i want is sleep.rugby.and you.


we dun talk on the phone.nor do we sms dat much. i miss ur voice.


somehow i wished that you would just tell me;


"baby,come back to me"


oh i dunnoe.


im happy.but not as happy as i should be.


i noe my frens would prefer me to move on.so that i'll be happy.


but i love her still.

how?

all i can do now is to reminisce on the past. :) sweet memories.


my song at e moment...very catchy!!!love e song!!!(smth dat i'll never be..)

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do your dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over

See it started at the park
Used to chill after darkOh when you took my heart
That's when we fell apart
Cause we both thoughtThat love lasts forever (lasts forever)

They say we're too young
To get ourselves sprung
Oh we didn't care
We made it very clear
And they also said
That we couldn't last together (last together)

See it's very divine,you;re one of a kind
But you mash up my mind
You have to get declined
Oh Lord...My baby is driving me crazy

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do your dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over

It was back in '99
Watchin' movies all the time
Oh when I went away
For doin' my first crime
And I never thought
That we was gonna see each other (see each other)
And then I came out
Mami moved me down South
Oh I'm with my girl
Who I thought was my world
It came out to be
That she wasn't the girl for me (girl for me)

See it's very divine,you;re one of a kind
But you mash up my mind
You have to get declined
Oh Lord...My baby is driving me crazy

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do your dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over

Now we're fussin'
And now we're fightin'
Please tell me whyI'm feelin' slighted
And I don't know
How to make it better (make it better)
You're datin' other guys
You're tellin' me lies
Oh I can't believe
What I'm seein' with my eyes
I'm losin' my mind
And I don't think it's clever (think it's clever)

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal, suicidal...


went thru looking at some bridal photos of dat awfully young n preg girl...geez...

at e same time went to see e make up n costumes for u noe know who..haha...

i bet she's gonna be as pretty or even more gorgeous on that day... :)

yest i had no appetite to eat mum's ayam masak merah...oh GAWD!!i didnt noe y either...i blame e cough actually!!!

instead i had durian ice kachang and otak-otak!!!!i noe..stop rolling ur eyes at me....

but!!!!i took my meds kies...dats becos i realised if i didnt take my meds it means i'll be having a sleepless nite coughing my ass off!!so i took e med!!!!

other den that im just taking each day at a step...yest i actually sms-ed her to ask if she missed me...thank god she said she did...dats all i wanted to hear..i mean see...

i miss u..loads...

today, 11.07.07 : aft

12.07: aft
13.07: nite
14.07: nite
15.07: off
16.07: off
17.07: leave
18.07: leave
19.07: aft
20.07: aft
21.07: nite
22.07: nite
23.07: off
24.07: off
25.07: morn
26.07: morn
27.07: aft
28.07: aft
29.07: nite
30.07: nite
31.07: off

today im gg back to e hosp for a follow-up on my scopes...bluek!!im not looking forward to it...but i need to settle few of queries with e doc....

one thing im looking forward to is TRAINING!!!yeah..i think todae is gonna be a kick-ass one..(literally)cos... CARMEL is gonna train DEFENCE..those 2 words in e same statement spells HUGE TROUBLE u noe....hehe...oh well...NTL is coming soon...smth to put my mind off her at e moment...

did i mention that ive been listening to e radio lately...yup...hopefully music can help...one way or another...hate e sappy ones though..they threaten my tear ducts to function on many occasions...esp my long bus rides home...

the good times.last day in tioman.one pic when im in b's embrace.loves.

hugs and kisses.plus cough.lela

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me todayHate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you


wat a hell of a weekend..

been on the emotions roller coaster again..

but this time im numbed.

hate me today.hate me tomorrow.hate me for the things i didnt do.

yup.dats what im feeling rite now.

to david, thanks for the dinner and your company.

to coyotes,you're my solace and strength.

to my nieces,cause u guys hear me out,lemme eat loads of ice cream and junk food n cry my eyes out.thanks girls..bibik loves u loads.

dear heart,we will work it out..like how we alws do.what doesnt kill us,makes us stronger.

btw the cough's getting worse...

im like anti-cough la...

hahaha....


hate coughs.cause they make my chest hurts.

today im gg to have seafood dinner with david.hopefully;that is before that cuckoobird decides to cancel it.as usual.haha.like we discussed.all of us are a disappointment,one way or another.

i am looking forward to meet u,dis saturday.cos i do really miss you.even for a min.just lemme take a look at you.let me touch you. a hug at least.a lil kiss.dats all im asking.

please?

i found out that prolly by the time or even before my Indonesian counterparts leave...my mak Long from Malacca is coming down to saty with us to settle late Pak Long's matters..again..Im gonna play host...haiz...

im tired.exhausted.penat.letih.chapek.

my mum.my Indo family.my Mak Long.my COYOTES.my work.most impt,HER.

i do really need you.

love,lels


boring week.damn lonely actually.

cos she's been so busy.yup.and too tired.cant blame her.her job's like dat i guess.

im just not used to the lack of attention cos now i dun get any.

its not im getting too emo or wat.but i miss my gf so much dat it hurts.cos i dun even to get to talk to her.

so i resort to just keeping to myself or absorb it in the things i do.or cry before i slp like the past nites.

sometimes my chest feel so tight dat i feel that my lungs would burst.

maybe im over reacting.

maybe im just tired and stressed about NTL.i wanna win dis yr.

but i made time for you.alws did.

Happy 7th anni dear.

love,lels


okies...my weekend was totally destroyed to a zilch.nil.zero.all plans had to be cancelled.

ok.no offence my family who came down from indo on a last min notice.i noe u had ur reasons.but i cant help it but feel dis way.gosh.

a whole week of being host.and btw im a bad host.and a whole week of speaking bahasa indo.ah!chapek dong!

im having thoughts of leaving KW.yup.i noe that here i have han,wawa and rilla but nah..a legal sec is not what i wanna be.my brain is used for nonsensical stuffs.i rather be racking my brain doing legal work or smth more mind challenging.

btw,stomach is not behaving.now im having really bad pains.like all the time. :(

i miss u.im so sad that i cldnt meet u on sat.its been so long since i last met u.i feel so sad.

sad.sad.sad.sad.sad.

love,lels